Cosmic convergence

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"Windmill Effect"

This photo showcases what is often referred to as Trump's "Windmill Effect". Driven by an inopportune gust of wind, several of The Donald's fully 12-inch long hair tendrils are ejected from their carefully positioned location hugging the skull and rotate in both clockwise and counter-clockwise fashion, sometimes for several minutes at a time.

It can only be truly appreciated via video or in person, as it is the hypnotic motion of the hair tendrils that characterizes this wonderfully bizarre spectacle.

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One-directional flow

This photo offers a rare glimpse at truly unique configuration of The Hair. Under optimal circumstances, The Donald's Hair clusters are elaborately positioned into alternating bands of flow which are then channeled in multiple directions.

Here we see an instance in which the clusters have re-formed into a fairly uniform flow from front to back. It is difficult to say whether this configuration was caused by an act of nature or some sort of ill-advised intentional action by The Donald himself.

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The "Side Wings"

Here we see one of the most remarkable structures of The Hair: the "Side Wings". It is defined by its parallel strands proceeding laterally and then sloping gently downwards before finally joining a second structure at the back of the head which resembles the sparsely feathered hindquarters of an emaciated goose or duck.

And what is it that is holding this glorious structure in place in stark defiance of the laws of nature? Well, hair spray undoubtedly plays a central role, but we can be assured that The Donald's Hair could achieve its preordained form by sheer force of will alone.

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Can science explain Trump's hair?

Science has provided explanations for a great many mysteries but we pose many questions about our world which may never be answered.

What preceded the Big Bang? What explains the nature of time? How does The Donald's Hair go from back to front and then swing laterally at an impossible angle before paradoxically folding in on itself like a neutron star? We simply may never know.

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Uncaged magnificence

The Donald is fond of wearing his trusty red hat. This photo reminds us that while it is possible for brief periods to confine The Hair, and perhaps even contain The Hair, it will inexorably re-emerge stronger and more magnificent than ever before.

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Vertical clustering

Here we see a wonderful reminder of the versatility of The Hair. It has taken a never before seen abstract form with several of its clusters independently joining a near vertical structure which produces a gravity-defying display of upward thrust, resembling a possum that has been electrocuted with high voltage.

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The "Sideshow Bob Effect"

Here we see one of the most volatile states of The Hair, known as the "Sideshow Bob Effect". While it is generally considered safe to be in close proximity to The Donald when The Hair is in this state, it is advisable to use extreme caution. The Hair's movements are unpredictable and hair tendrils can project violently outward with little or no warning.

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Poetry in motion

Here we see an example of true poetry in motion. Reverberating waves of hair clusters undulating as if a part of some divinely choreographed ballet.

Could perfectly timed gusts of wind explain this wondrous phenomenon or can The Donald control these movements with the power of thought alone, like a giant squid simultaneously manipulating its numerous tentacles with expert precision?

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Contrasting forms

Here we see an example of what The Hair can teach us about the delicate interplay of order and disorder. The top and front of The Hair are aligned in perfect balance but the back is displaying an explosive outward projection of activity. This once again demonstrates The Hair's capacity for contrasting flows of form and structure.

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Full extension

While documented eyewitness accounts of this event have been lost or withheld from the public record, we can see from this photo that one of the forward-facing hair clusters has been propelled forcefully upwards and achieves near full extension above the head, becoming dis-articulated from the adjacent hair clusters and leaving the structural integrity the entire frontal support structure in serious jeopardy, resulting in a threat of system-wide collapse.

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Enigma

Here we see an admirable but almost hopeless attempt to explain the conundrum that is The Donald's Hair. The creator of this diagram illustrates his elaborate theory which attempts to explain the alternating channels of hair clusters moving and flowing in a dizzying array of directions. Not since the Zapruter film and the magic bullet theory have we seen such an intricate and revealing attempt to explain such an inexplicable enigma.

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The President

For all of his strengths, The Donald perhaps lacks the imposing presidential aura of a Washington or a Lincoln, but here we see The Donald in rare form, looking more presidential than we have ever seen him before.

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Evolving form

The Donald proudly modeling The Hair during it's "household mop" inspired phase.

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Freshly colored, golden locks

Demonstrating his trademark boldness, we see that The Donald has chosen to color his Hair with a coloring agent that produces a truly astonishing shade of radiant yellow. We see a man who doesn't feel constrained to limit himself to one of assortment of hair colors afforded us by the natural world. A man unburdened by the petty contrivances of a society that compel the rest of us to want to appear as God intended.

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Sassy Trump shares hair tips

The Donald reveals his hair spray preferences to a captivated audience.

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Yellow brows

It is unknown how The Donald achieves the radiant yellow color of his eyebrows. One compelling theory suggests that he submerges his face in a bucket of yellow dye while breathing through a snorkel or tube to allow the color change to take full effect. Whatever the method, the results speak for themselves.

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Aerodynamic Donald

As seen here, The Hair sometimes takes on an aerodynamic form in which it aligns itself with The Donald's direction of movement to allow The Donald to move forward with less wind resistance.

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Upward lift

This photo captures a phenomenon which has no firmly established cause, but appears to resemble what might happen if The Donald was swiftly and violently pulled downwards by the feet, with The Hair not having time enough to catch up to the rate of descent of the rest of the head. It has been speculated that this effect is visible only very briefly and only during extreme weather conditions or gravitational anomalies.

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"Reverse Peacock"

The Donald showcasing The Hair's "Reverse Peacock" look.

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Physics and The Hair

Science cannot explain The Donald's Hair, but is The Hair subject to the laws of physics? This photo seems to suggest that it is at least partially affected by electromagnetic forces. Further study is required, but this is a fascinating window into at least one aspect of The Hair's coexistence with our universe.

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"The Donald's Hair": a poem

What divine hand holds these golden locks ever so gently in such heavenly balance?

We cannot say.

How could mere earthly matter glisten with such radiance?

We cannot know.

Is this the most ridiculous comb-over in human history?

Yes.

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Cosmic convergence

We must assume that The Hair has spent all of its days perched proudly atop The Donald's head. But should the magic and mystery of The Hair lead us to ask whether this must always be so?

Could The Hair exist as an entity unto itself? Could it think? Could it feel? Could it have achieved by itself the same state of cosmic enlightenment that The Donald and The Hair have achieved together? And perhaps an even more ponderous question: could the bigly intellect of the Donald have been the product of some fortuitous chance convergence of man and hair? If so, it would be a truly satisfying explanation indeed.

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Is Donald Trump's hair a threat to humanity?

The Donald's Hair is an enigma, a mystery, and like most things we don't understand we fear it. But is this fear justified?

This photo challenges us to to confront the very real prospect that if The Hair was to somehow achieve the capacity for self-replication, its rapidly growing numbers could engross and consume territory with startling speed. The outcome could be an image too terrifying to contemplate: a once majestic planet consumed by a shaggy yellow surface layer, its matted tendrils waving blissfully in the wind, compelling all who still exist to reminisce longingly about what once was.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, your President...

Hail to the chief!